This is probably one of the most honest pieces of writing I have ever posted. If you follow me on Instagram you will know that I try to keep my feed as positive as possible, not because I’m trying to paint a false perception of motherhood but because I choose to keep that platform as a visual celebration of my life memories. I am therefore using this opportunity to share with you the raw truth and the real highs and very low lows of being a young mum.
I didn’t plan on getting pregnant at 19, it was definitely part of my life plan, but I had envisaged myself with a house, and a career before a baby. However, God had other plans and I have embraced my role as ‘mummy’ the best way I know how. Being a mother is the most INCREDIBLE role but omg can it be hard! I have such a new found respect for mothers because I hadn’t anticipated just how draining looking after a baby can be. There have been a few times I have wanted to pretend to be ill just so that I can have a day in bed! But even when you’re off duty your brain is still BABY BABY BABY. How is that? I look forward to the few hours of rest I get each day when she takes her nap, but then as soon as she falls asleep I don’t know what to do with myself, and I secretly want her to wake up!
I am lucky enough to have my family close by who offer to take her when needed, and I have had to rely on my Mum quite a lot while I’ve been at work. However, I do feel as though I want to do as much as I can on my own. I feel as though I have extra sets of eyes watching me and ready to judge if it looks like I am constantly asking for help. In my head, I have more to prove because I am younger than some, and I am desperate to break the stereotypes associated with a “young mum”. I admire those people who still manage to have their own life after having a baby. I am still young and I still love doing things people my age do! But I can’t help but feel as though everytime I go out with friends or on my own, people judge me for not being with my baby girl. It’s a constant battle but the biggest one is in my own head. I feel guilty for leaving her but at the same time, I do want to have fun like I did before I had a baby. My life inevitably won’t be the same as some of the friends I have around me. I have a responsibility and I accept that- it’s the best responsibility I have ever been given. However, I would be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes feel isolated from those around me because I can’t do everything they can. I sometimes wonder what I would be doing at this point in my life if it was just me- does that make me a bad person?..
The tears come in abundance after having a baby! I cry a good few times a week!!… If she hurts herself, if I feel stressed, if I watch a sad movie… I’m a big crier and having a baby really hasn’t helped! There are days when I feel overwhlemed, days when I simply don’t feel like I’m cut out to be a Mum. It’s an emotional ride like no other; I am probably having to deal with things that most people my age don’t. But on the flip side, I have learnt so much about my self and discovered a strength I never knew I had. One change that I am still having trouble accepting since becoming a mum is my saggy boobs! Ewww!..-no I’m just kidding! I do look in the mirror and sometimes thing wow Maya you really need to do something about this! But to be completely honest with you my fitness and dietary plans very quickly turn in to a ‘f@#k it I like chocolate too much and I don’t have time to work out anyway’ attitude. In an ideal world I would love to go to the gym and work out once a day but realistically I am young Mum, raising a 1-year-old, working to pay the bills, trying to maintain a social life and training to be a counsellor-I just don’t have the time.
The truth is I have had to give up a lot but I have gained back so much in return. I have said this before and I will continue to say this loud and proud…my daughter is the BEST thing that has EVER happened to me. It’s the little things that make me feel so blessed, like being woken up to her singing ‘baba baa ba’, being able to have endless amounts of hugs and kisses, have someone treating you like your the best thing since sliced bread and your milk is like the best thing…well ever! I could never imagine my life without her and being without this special bond I have with my bestest friend.